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Elizabeth Dalziel

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20 images Created 3 May 2018

THERE ARE GOOD MEN OUT THERE

When I was a child, my mother had a simple mantra: “Do not expect too much from men and you won’t be disappointed.”
She expected very little. She moved to Mexico from California in the 1960s, bringing the children from her first marriage. She met my father, married again, had more children, including me, and got divorced. She stayed in Mexico and worked to support us. On most days, she was my father figure.
I saw my father on weekends, but there were no hugs, no cuddling. He loved his children, but he was a Mexican man of his era, born in the 1920s, and he struggled to express affection. When we talked, I always used the respectful and remote “usted,” the formal Spanish word for “you.”
It’s different in my house now. Watching my husband, Rob, with our two sons fills me with joy. He relates to them in ways that are beyond me: the love hidden inside roughhousing, the relentless teasing, the way they model themselves on him. They climb on him, asking any question that pops into their heads, a natural familiarity that would have felt awkward to me as a child.
I’m not going to claim household perfection. My husband and I squabble about money and the division of household chores. We often disagree about how to discipline the boys. And I know we have it easy. There are tens of millions of women out there who don’t have anyone to share the parenting with, just like my mother didn’t.
When Rob was born, his father wasn’t allowed in the room for the delivery. His mother went off to the hospital and came home 10 days later, with all the business of childbirth done and dusted. My father-in-law was a wonderful man and a caring father, but I am quite sure that he never changed a diaper, rarely cooked a meal and never took his children to another child’s birthday party.
Rob hoped that one day he could replicate his wonderful childhood with a family of his own. But gender roles, both at work and at home, are not what they once were. And in less than a generation, men like my husband have had to learn a different way to be a father.
Rob was in the delivery room for our boys’ births and shared in the burden of sleepless nights. That’s normal now in our London world of two-career couples, but it was unheard-of just a generation ago.
The “Me Too” movement made plain how awful many men can be. So it can be easy to forget that men are also working to carve out their new place in the world.
It’s at birthday parties where I think about this most often, and often most poignantly, as I watch dads in daffodil hats, or wrapped in toilet paper, finding their way among a crowd of mothers who have been navigating these waters for years.
What will the world look like when my sons are adults? The idea of rigid gender roles is shifting in ways I couldn’t have expected just a decade ago. For now, I like to watch Rob and our boys and be reminded that there are some very good men out there. Contrary to my mother’s mantra, I can expect a great deal from them — and not be disappointed.
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  • Rob Hodge cradles his newborn in the middle of the night, Wednesday, March 24, 2010. (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Rob Hodge bathes his son Ben in Chapala, Jalisco, Mexico February 4, 2012
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  • Joe cries while Ben shows his dad his new drum set pad, as they unwrap presents on Christmas day December 25, 2014.
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  • Rob Hodge, rides a chikara with her children on Lake Dal in Srinagar, Kashmir, India Friday, April 7, 2017
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  • Kieran Sexton wears a Daffodil hat during a children's party he attended with his daughter  in Berkhamsted, UK Jan. 6, 2018 Elizabeth Dalziel
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  • David Bradburry takes part in his son's laser tag birthday party in Hemel Hempstead Saturday, March 3, 2018 (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Sam Webster, Rory's Dad takes part in his son's laser tag party in Hemel Hempstead, UK Sunday, Nov. 19, 2017
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  • Jack Murray helps her daughter Lavinia put on her ballet slippers ahead of her ballet class in Berkhamsted, Saturday, April 28, 2018
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  • Rob reads a bedtime story at story time before bed at home in Berkhamsted, England Saturday, Feb. 7, 2015 (Elizabeth Dalziel) #thesecretlifeofmothers #bringinguptheboys #dailylife
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  • the shadow of Rob Hodge plays with his new born son in the wee hours of the night in Berkhamsted, Sunday, April 25, 2010. (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Rob carries an iron man cake for his son to blow out the candles as an actor dressed as Iron man looks on at Northchurch's social centre, in Berkhamsted, UK January 28, 2018.
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  • Andrew Churchward Noah's father is tied up by during a pirate party for his son at the Civil Centre in Berkhamsted, UK Saturday, Sept. 30, 2017 (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • A child takes a turn at hitting a piñata as Lilly Rose's Mathew Salisbury dad precariously holds it at a party in Northchurch, England Saturday, June 27, 2015 (Elizabeth Dalziel) #thesecretlifeofmothers #bringinguptheboys #dailylife
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  • Parents collide in go Karts during a birthday party at a soft play venue in Hemel Hempstead, UK, Saturday, Feb.10, 2018 (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Joe blows bubbles under water with dad at the pool in Melaque   Sunday, Aug. 21, 2016 (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Jack Murray wakes her daughter Lavinia at home ahead of her ballet lesson in Berkhamsted, UK Saturday, April 28, 2018
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  • Scott Cohen, cuts his daughter's Emily food as his son Daniel eats  his Christmas' dinner at Gran's home in England  Friday, Dec. 25, 2015 (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Mike Broadwith kisses Poppy as he shelters her from the rain with his coat during a cross country run at Bridgewater Primary school Saturday, April 28, 2018. (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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  • Joe walks towards Dad during a rain storm on the bed of Swift Reservoir on next to the course of the Lewis River in Washington State, US Friday, April 6, 2018
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  • Rob Hodge snoozes next to his newborn son Benjamin Thursday, April 1, 2010. (Elizabeth Dalziel)
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